Why Comparison Steals Joy (and How to Stop Doing It)
By: Brian Hoeflinger, MD
October 26, 2025 | #63
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Disclaimer: Opinions are my own. Not medical advice.
Medical Trivia of the Week
Which brain network is most active when your mind is wandering or self-reflecting? (the correct answer is at the end of this email)
- A) Salience Network
- B) Executive Control Network
- C) Dorsal Attention Network
- D) Default Mode Network
Why Comparison Steals Joy
There’s a simple but powerful truth in life: comparison is the thief of joy.
No matter who you are, it’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing yourself to others. You see someone your age with a more successful career, a bigger house, or what looks like a “perfect” family, and suddenly, you feel behind.
But here’s the reality: when you compare your life to someone else’s, you’re using the wrong measuring stick. You can’t truly know what battles another person is fighting behind closed doors or what sacrifices they made to get where they are. What you see is only a highlight reel.
Social media has made this even worse. Every day, we scroll through filtered images of vacations, achievements, and milestones. Our brains weren’t built to process thousands of curated glimpses into other people’s lives. It tricks the mind into thinking that everyone else is happier, more successful, or more fulfilled than we are.
But happiness isn’t a competition, it’s a state of being that comes from within.
The Neuroscience of Comparison
From a neuroscience perspective, comparison activates the reward system, particularly a region called the nucleus accumbens, which releases dopamine. This chemical makes us feel pleasure when we achieve something or receive positive feedback.
However, when we see someone else succeeding, that same system can backfire. Instead of motivating us, it can trigger envy and dissatisfaction. Our brains interpret others’ success as our failure, even when the two have nothing to do with each other.
Over time, this creates a cycle of negative reinforcement: the more we compare, the more we chase validation instead of fulfillment. It’s mentally draining and emotionally unhealthy.
How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
The good news? You can retrain your brain. Here are four practical steps:
- Practice gratitude daily. When you start focusing on what you do have instead of what you lack, your mindset changes. Each morning or night, write down three things you’re grateful for. Gratitude rewires your brain to see abundance instead of scarcity.
- Compare yourself only to your past self. You can’t control what others do, but you can control your own progress. Ask yourself: Am I improving, learning, or growing compared to last month or last year? That’s the only comparison that matters. Try to be a little bit better version of yourself each day. Consistently done, this compounds over time.
- Limit exposure to triggers. If social media makes you feel inadequate, take a break or curate your feed. Follow accounts that inspire you to grow, not those that make you feel small. Protect your mental energy like it’s a valuable resource, because it is!
- Celebrate others without diminishing yourself. When someone else succeeds, try to see it as proof that success is possible, not proof that you’re failing. Their light doesn’t dim yours. Life is not a zero sum game. It is positive sum.
Finding Peace in Your Own Lane
Life moves at different speeds for everyone. Some people peak early. Some take longer to find their rhythm. But joy isn’t found in where you finish, it’s found in being present for your own journey.
When you learn to appreciate your lane, your unique story, and you growth, you start to feel lighter. You stop looking sideways and start looking forward.
And that’s where happiness lives: not in what someone else is doing, but in knowing that you are living your life fully and intentionally.
Impactful Quote of the Week
"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel."
- Steven Furtick
All my best,
Brian Hoeflinger
P.S. - if you enjoyed this newsletter, you may enjoy my podcast and/or my book that details my life as neurosurgeon and the loss of my oldest son, Brian (see below a synopsis).
Check out My Podcast
The Hoeflinger Podcast is about more than medicine, it’s about living a fuller, healthier, and more meaningful life. My son, Kevin, and I discuss medicine, health, fitness, lessons learned from personal tragedy, family, and purpose. Along the way, we invite inspiring guests to bring fresh insights and perspectives. Watch or listen to the podcast below.
YouTube: Click here
Apple Podcasts: Click here
Spotify: Click here
Check out My Book
Life and Death . . . Two words with such opposite meaning and which inflict such contradictory emotions and yet are so closely intertwined in our lives. As parents, we bring meaning and life into this world through our children. Our lives become defined as a result. We learn the joy, hardship, and responsibility of shaping an innocent life. But a day will come when that life will be taken. For some, death will come too soon. This is the story of my son, Brian Nicholas Hoeflinger, who died unexpectedly at age 18.
https://doctorhoeflinger.com/products/the-night-he-died-the-harsh-reality-of-teenage-drinking
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Medical Trivia Answer:
The correct answer is D) Default Mode Network
*Disclaimer: This newsletter and blog is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of medicine, nursing, or other professional health care services, including the giving of medical advice, and no doctor/patient relationship is formed. The use of information on this newsletter and blog or materials linked from this newsletter and blog is at the user’s own risk. The content of this newsletter and blog is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Users should not disregard or delay seeking medical advice for any medical condition they may have and should consult their healthcare professionals for any such conditions.
