What Has 60 Years of Life Taught Me

By: Brian Hoeflinger, MD

February 16, 2025 | #34

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Disclaimer: Opinions are my own. Not medical advice.

Medical Trivia of the Week

Which of the following parameters is NOT evaluated by the Glasgow Coma Scale (GCS) used to assess a patient’s level of consciousness? (the correct answer is at the end of this email)

A) Pupil reaction
B) Eye opening response
C) Verbal response
D) Motor response

Reflections on My Life

I'm 60 years old this year. I often wonder where have the years gone and how did I get here? There have been so many wonderful things that have happened to me along this journey and yet, there have been an equal number of crushing blows of sorrow and tragedy. I guess it's called life or should I better say it's called the "Story of our Lives."

Sometimes I wonder what's it all about. Everybody has their own specific triumphs and their own overwhelming heartaches. The funny thing is we all seem to follow a story line that we cannot predict and certainly cannot control. There are things in our lives that happen which are remarkably beautiful and other things that are so terribly wrong and out of our control. They happen without pause and without your approval. You can only adapt and try to make the world a better place because of it.

I remember back to 1982. I had just graduated from high school and was looking forward to starting college. I was enrolled in fall classes to become a marine biologist. The future was full of promise and excitement as I looked forward to embarking on my new life journey. But things have a funny way of changing in a heartbeat.

That summer on a late August night, my brother Eric was involved in a car accident and suffered a severe head injury. He was 21 at the time and a junior in college. He required emergency brain surgery in the middle of the night and was in a coma for 6 months. When all was said and done, he was paralyzed on the right side of his body for the rest of his life and could never walk or talk again. I was 18 years old when it happened. In an instant, Eric's life was changed and so was mine. That's when I abandoned my dream of becoming a marine biologist and decided to become a neurosurgeon.

I wanted to help prevent someone else from having to go through such a horrible experience. Eric's tragedy that night altered many people's lives, especially my own. I went on to college and eventually medical school. My wife, Cindy, and I met between our first and second year of medical school. I wanted to be a neurosurgeon and she a forensic pathologist. We quickly fell in love. Our time in medical school was intense and time-consuming but at the same time, exciting and full of promise for the future. My life seemed to be back on tract for the moment. Then, late in my second year of medical school, life took another unexpected turn.

My mom was diagnosed with malignant brain cancer and within 3 short months, she was dead. At age 25, I no longer had my mother. It was a tremendous blow to me and my future. I was extremely close to my mom and the sudden loss of her due to brain cancer not only solidified, but intensified, my desire to be a neurosurgeon. I studied and worked even harder to achieve my goal.

After four years, Cindy and I finished medical school and were married. My mom was greatly missed at our wedding. We soon moved to Rochester, NY where we lived for 7 years while we finished our residency training programs. In that time we had the most wonderful thing happen in our lives. We had children and started a family of our own.

We eventually had four children, Brian, Kevin, Julie, and Christie. Christie, who is our youngest child, was born shortly after we moved back to Toledo. We moved back home to be close to our families. Life seemed perfect. We were both doctors, we were back home with our families and we had four beautiful, healthy children. Two boys and two girls, the perfect family for us. All the wonderful memories of their childhood.

To see the excitement in their eyes Christmas morning with the four of them coming into our bedroom at 5 am asking if we could get up and go down stairs to open the presents that Santa had brought. To watch them help each other count, organize, and group their presents into separate piles before opening them. Priceless memories that will never come again. But life moves on and continues to constantly change.

For me, it seemed that with every joy there soon came an equal sadness. My dad was getting old and sick. While I was gone making my way in life, my dad grew old and died shortly after we moved back to Toledo. My father was the last living connection to my past. The death of your last parent leaves you an orphan, or at least that is how it felt to me. I felt alone because I was now the parent and no longer the child. That comfort and security that a parent provides to a child their whole life was gone. I understand that I am not unique in this regard and eventually everyone loses their parents at some point in time, some sooner than others. But the heartache does knock you down a notch and takes some time to get over.

Over the next 10 years, life moved on and seemed to get back to normal. The kids were growing up and very active in school and sports. My career was progressing. Cindy and I were happy. And life again seemed perfect and promising. We continued to create wonderful memories as a family of 6. Then, on Saturday, February 2nd, 2013 at 1:23 am our life again changed.

We received a phone call that our oldest son, Brian, had been in a horrible car accident and quickly learned that he was dead. Now, we were 5. Something horrible that is thrust upon you without warning or opportunity to stop it. When would it ever stop? What was God trying to teach me? The death of my son Brian has undoubtedly been the most humbling experience in my life and has made it quite clear to me that I am not in charge of life's events. And as a result of this horrific tragedy, my outlook on life has once again changed.

It is another glaring example of the fragility of life and a sobering reminder to all that we are promised nothing in this life. Yet, in the face of tragedy, a new awareness has arisen out of the ashes. A passion for educating others and spreading awareness about the dangers of drunk driving was born. With this mission, many others are benefitting from Brian's death and the circumstances surrounding his death.

So here I am, 60 years old and being led blindly along this journey that we call life. A journey that we all take. And what have I learned so far? I have learned that life is really not about you or me alone but it's about everyone else. Our own existence is geared toward affecting the lives of the people around us. After Brian's death at age 18, it became quite clear to me just how many individuals that one life can touch in such a short period of time and in such a positive fashion. In other words, we each possess an "energy" associated with our own life. If the actions throughout your own life only affected you and no one else, then the "energy of your life" would die with you. But this is simply not the case.

In life, each of us will touch and affect the lives of so many others around us and it is this influence or affect on others that will propagate the "energy of your life" beyond yourself. So our very existence and the basic tenant of us being alive brings meaning and purpose to life through our affect on others. We all possess the innate ability to make the world a better place just by being alive. And being alive is a privilege not a right. I think we often forget that. It is a privilege to be able to affect the lives of other people.

As I have turned 60, my focus in life has certainly turned away from helping myself and moved much more toward what I can do to benefit others. Because in the end, isn't that what life is all about, trying to bring meaning to your own life and existence by helping to bring meaning to the lives of others. I think most people would refer to that ideal as a legacy. What mark will you leave on the world?

I often think that if I were to die today and had to write my own obituary, what could I say that I have accomplished in life that has been to the benefit of others and not myself? I think it's a good question for everyone to ask themselves and think about once in awhile. Have you gone out of your way lately to help someone else or make someone else's life better, other than your own? I will often smile at a person who looks sad or give a compliment to someone I wouldn't normally talk to.

A simple compliment such as "I like your sweater" or "I like your necklace" or just a simple "Good Morning" can boost a person's confidence and make them feel a little bit better about themselves, even if for just that moment. My daughter Christie taught me that. Or maybe donate your time to a good cause or lend a listening ear to a friend in need. Or even just spending time with your family.

You as a parent are the most important person in your young child's life. Do something to make another person's life brighter and better and you will have given the greatest gift of all: a sense of purpose and self-worth both to yourself as well as to another person. And remember, life can get quite tough at times. I frequently see tragedy thrust upon individuals and their families that is unjust and seems to make no sense at all. And you wonder how will they ever be able to move forward from such a life-altering event? These are defining moments in people's lives.

But remember, the specific circumstances of your life do not define you as a person. On the contrary, the way in which you choose to react and to deal with these life events will clearly define the person you truly are. When something in your life knocks you down, don't give up. Get back up and make things even better. As painful as it may be, learn and evolve from these life events. From personal experience, it's not easy but it is certainly doable. Don't say you can't because you've "got it bad" or "it would be too hard to do" because there's always someone else out there who's got it worse than you.

Be that person who shows others that it can be done and in doing so, you will affect and change lives. That is the power of you. Be the example that others follow. That is the power of your own life to change the world and the future. It is the "energy of life" that you will pass on for generations to come even after you have gone. That is our legacy as human beings to leave the world a better place long after we have gone. For what is the meaning of life if not to have brought purpose to your own existence by benefiting the lives of others.

After 60 years of living, and especially after experiencing the death of my son, this is what my journey through life has taught me thus far. We can always wonder what the future holds for us but we can only live in the here and now. So take a chance today and hopefully every day of the year to go out of your way to do something nice for someone else who needs it. In doing so, you will be wielding the power of you to forever touch a life, you will be creating a legacy for the future and as a result, you will be changing the world into a better place.

Impactful Quote of the Week

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”

- Khalil Gibran

All my best,

Brian Hoeflinger

P.S. - if you enjoyed this newsletter, you may enjoy my book that details my life as neurosurgeon and the loss of my oldest son, Brian (see below a synopsis).

My Book

Life and Death . . . Two words with such opposite meaning and which inflict such contradictory emotions and yet are so closely intertwined in our lives. As parents, we bring meaning and life into this world through our children. Our lives become defined as a result. We learn the joy, hardship, and responsibility of shaping an innocent life. But a day will come when that life will be taken. For some, death will come too soon. This is the story of my son, Brian Nicholas Hoeflinger, who died unexpectedly at age 18.

https://doctorhoeflinger.com/products/the-night-he-died-the-harsh-reality-of-teenage-drinking