Note to My Younger Self

By: Brian Hoeflinger, MD

March 30, 2025 | #40

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Disclaimer: Opinions are my own. Not medical advice.

These are the most important things I've learned in life that I would share with my younger self if I could.

Parents won’t always be there.
Money and stature don’t buy happiness.
Tomorrow is not promised. Make the most of today.
Spend a good part of your life helping others and see how life rewards you in return.
You can’t control what happens to you in life, but you can control how you react to it.

Parents won’t always be there.

My parents died at what I would consider fairly young ages, 61 for my mom and 76 for my dad. I was young too: 26 when my mom passed and 39 when my dad died. I felt like I was just a kid.

My mom was diagnosed with brain cancer and died just three months later. My dad died suddenly one morning of a heart attack. Life changes quickly. My mom only met my wife, Cindy, a few times, as we had just started dating. She never met any of her grandchildren. My dad met his grandchildren but never saw them grow up.

After my dad’s death, thirteen years after my mom, I felt like an orphan. My parents were both gone, and so were my ties to the past and to being a kid. I was now the parent moving forward. It’s all a part of life and growing up, I guess, but it's tough. After my dad died, I would dial his cell phone every day for weeks, thinking he might answer. But he never did. Old habits die hard. Parents don’t live forever.

To those of you reading this newsletter, if your parents are still alive, call them and spend time with them. Someday, you’ll lose that chance and wish you could do it again differently.

Money and stature don’t buy happiness.

As a neurosurgeon, I make a good living financially, as you would expect. But I can tell you firsthand: money does not buy happiness. I know it’s a cliché, but it is absolutely true.

When I was growing up, money was scarce and I had to work to get the things I wanted. I always thought that someday I would have plenty of money and that would make me happy. That ideal was proved wrong. Money can buy you material things, but it does not make you happy inside.

When my son Brian died unexpectedly in a car accident at age 18, I would have given every penny and every worldly possession I own to have my son back. I actually prayed that exact thought to God. But life doesn’t work that way, and my son remained dead.

You see, happiness comes from love and family and contentment with the life you have now. Life can change in a heartbeat, and there is no amount of money, power, or status that can change it back. The old saying, “You don’t know what you have until it’s gone,” is 100% true. Be happy with the life you have now, because your new life may not be so kind.

Tomorrow is promised to no one.

We all take this statement for granted because we never think it will happen to us. I never in a million years thought my son Brian would die at 18, but he did. And do you think Brian thought it was his last day when he woke up that cold February morning in 2013?

We always think tomorrow will be there. So we let too many days slip by just trying to get by. We look forward to the weekend, vacations, and retirement. When we reach those points, then we can be happy. So we sacrifice each day until some future day when we can finally enjoy life and be happy.

But does that day ever truly come?

For my son Brian, and for so many others, it does not.

You don’t have to live each day like it is your last because that’s kind of impractical. We have lives and responsibilities. But I would suggest enjoying some part of each day, just in case tomorrow never comes. Enjoy your life, your hobbies, your passions, your family and friends, for a little while each day.

The purpose of life cannot just be about ourselves.

If everyone focused only on themselves and no one else, then the perpetuation of life would end.

Let me explain. You, as an individual throughout your life, will touch the lives of countless people in ways you may never fully know. Those people will go on to touch the lives of others. That’s what I call the perpetuation of life, and the power of you.

When my son died, we had the rare opportunity to hear from people who had been affected by Brian, by both his life and his death. He changed their lives in meaningful ways. And they will carry his impact forward, passing it on to others.

So long after we are gone, the effect we had in life will live on through the lives of others.

That’s why no one’s life is unimportant. Every person’s life has tremendous meaning. Please don’t forget that.

You holding the door for someone or offering a few kind words might be the reason that person doesn’t end their life that day. Your act of kindness might give them the strength to keep going. And that person might go on to change the world in ways you could never imagine. You have changed the future by focusing on someone other than yourself. That’s the power of you. Everyone has it. So use it.

You can’t control what happens to you in life, but you can control how you react to it.

Lastly, you are not in control of what happens to you each day. What you are in control of is how you choose to react to it, and how you use it to positively impact your life and the lives of others.

Bad things happen in life. We can’t stop them.

My son died young in a car accident. I had no power to stop it. But I did have a choice in how I responded.

I could have quit my job, gotten a divorce, and let my family fall apart. But I didn’t.

Instead, I chose to make something positive come from Brian’s death. And 12 years later, we’re making an impact on people’s lives. We took a tragedy and turned it into hope. It may only be a small effect, but it’s something positive moving in the right direction.

If I could leave you with one final thought:

React to life in a way that betters the lives of others, and your own life will follow.

Impactful Quote of the Week

"You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.”

- Maya Angelou

Medical Trivia of the Week

Which genetic disorder is characterized by the absence or deficiency of an enzyme that breaks down fatty substances, leading to their buildup in the brain and nervous system? (the correct answer is at the end of this email)

A) Huntington’s disease
B) Cystic fibrosis
C) Tay-Sachs disease
D) Muscular dystrophy

Thank you for reading today’s newsletter. I hope my thoughts on life offer some small benefit in your own.

All my best,

Brian Hoeflinger

P.S. - if you enjoyed this newsletter, you may enjoy my book that details my life as neurosurgeon and the loss of my oldest son, Brian (see below a synopsis).

My Book

Life and Death . . . Two words with such opposite meaning and which inflict such contradictory emotions and yet are so closely intertwined in our lives. As parents, we bring meaning and life into this world through our children. Our lives become defined as a result. We learn the joy, hardship, and responsibility of shaping an innocent life. But a day will come when that life will be taken. For some, death will come too soon. This is the story of my son, Brian Nicholas Hoeflinger, who died unexpectedly at age 18.

https://doctorhoeflinger.com/products/the-night-he-died-the-harsh-reality-of-teenage-drinking