How We Balanced Our Careers and Family as Two Doctors
By: Brian Hoeflinger, MD and Cindy Hoeflinger, MD, PhD
Disclaimer: Opinions are my own. Not medical advice.
For those who don't know, I am a board certified Neurosurgeon who has been practicing full time brain and spine surgery for over 25 years in Toledo, Ohio. My wife, Cindy, is a Forensic pathologist MD/PhD who retired shortly after the birth of our fourth child so she could focus full time on raising our children.
Cindy's and my journey together started all the way back in 1988, when we met in medical school between our first and second year at the Medical College of Ohio in Toledo. We dated for a few years and eventually married in our fourth year of medical school. I remember my wife's exact words that year. She said that I am not moving anywhere with you if we are not married. Little did she know that I felt the same.
Now being married, we faced our first hurdle as a physician team. We needed to find a residency program that would accept both of us for training in our designated specialties. Neurosurgery for myself and Pathology for my wife. It certainly was a challenge, but we found homes at the University of Rochester in Rochester, NY. We moved there in 1993 and bought a small home one block from the hospital. Our neighborhood was called the "white pants" district because so many medical people lived there.
We started our residencies that summer of 1993 and were immediately busy in our chosen careers. Many a time we would need to meet in the hospital cafeteria for dinner just to see each other. Our first "child" came shortly and her name was Coco. She was a chocolate lab and we loved her to death. But as time went on, we wanted to start a family. In 1994, our first child was born, Brian Nicholas Hoeflinger. Now is when the real challenges started. I was away at the hospital most of the time and most of the childcare fell onto Cindy as she continued in her pathology residency full time. We eventually had two more children, Kevin James and Julie Anne, while in Rochester.
Cindy:
After I had my first child, Brian Nicholas, it was at times lonely and scary. Since I had a vaginal birth and not a C section, I was able to take off only 6 weeks. There was no family leave at the time. We were not able to start our baby in daycare until he was 6 weeks old.
When at home, I was usually alone with my son as Brian was always at work it seemed. I also felt enormous pressure to perform and never complain during my residency because it made me look “weak” and not serious about my career. This was certainly not in my mind as many a time snide comments would be made by male coworkers. My residency was a large multinational group, made up of several MD PhDs from several countries: China, Lebanon, Canada and Spain, as well as the US.
I finished my residency when Brian was 2 ½ years old and started a fellowship in forensic pathology that would promise to be flexible and a little more accommodating to our busy lifestyle. Brian had 2 more years to go and was very busy as always. We decided to try for another child and became pregnant with our second child halfway through my fellowship. Once my fellowship ended, I continued on as a part-time deputy medical examiner, taking every 3rd weekend call and helping during the week as needed. I also finished up all of my outstanding cases during this time. The week that I gave birth to Kevin, I worked the entire week and had one of the most intriguing cases of my career. I would go on to meet the renowned forensic pathologist, Dr. Michael Baden and would return to Rochester 3 times once we had moved to Toledo to testify in grand jury trials for 3 suspects. In addition, I had the privilege of meeting the victim’s husband who thanked me for my role in helping to convict her 3 killers.
Eventually, I went on to work at a small suburban hospital while Brian started his chief residency year. This was an extremely grueling year for him, as he was on call 24 hours a day, every day of the week. He was only allowed to take vacation to interview for jobs. I attended a few with him early on and then had to stay behind as I was now pregnant with our 3rd child. Julie was born during a snow storm in January of Brian’s chief year, 15 months after Kevin. Our babysitter quit that day, a few hours before my mom arrived to help out. Brian had started a several-hour surgery earlier that day, telling me the junior resident would come to the delivery room if he wasn’t finished (shoutout to the resident - Dr. Sandeep Teja). My mom made me a bowl of homemade goulash with bread and butter, Brian came home around 6 pm and I delivered Julie by 8:30 pm.
Brian accepted a job in Toledo in early March and we traveled with all 3 kids to look for a house. I had to wean Julie from breastfeeding that week as I was planning on going back to work when we got back. Although we didn’t find a house that week, Brian would travel back again in the next month by himself. He and his brother looked at a few houses and armed with a stack of photos, we made an offer on a house I had not seen. We loved and lived in that house for the next 10 years, welcoming child number 4 about 2 ½ years after Julie was born. I found out I was pregnant with Christie on my 40th birthday. By this time, our parents were questioning our sanity but it was God’s plan in my opinion.
I worked for several years after Christie was born, as Brian was building his private practice. Eventually, it just got to be too much and I decided to retire and focus on raising our family instead. I knew I could no longer try to balance career and family and that something would have to give. I chose to focus on my marriage and my children. It was a very tough decision but one I have never really regretted. Often, I have wished I could have done both, but I would always chose my family over any job.
Once, when my son Brian was a sophomore in high school, I was driving him home from school. I was talking about something medical on the phone with someone. As I was using big medical words and definitely speaking in a very professional way, it was a little unusual for Brian to hear, I guess. He said it must have been really hard for me to have given up my career to stay at home and take care of them. I said yes, because I had loved my job and what I did and I had spent many years studying and preparing for it. Ultimately, however, I loved them more and felt that it was important that one of us was always there. I could tell that Brian actually understood my dilemma and sacrifice because he said to me, “I know what you have, Mom. Ennui!” Later, I looked the word up, learning it means a feeling of being tired, bored, and dissatisfied. Brian realized that I had had a challenging and stimulating career that I chose to give up for the sometimes monotonous, often thankless, and somewhat mundane job of childrearing. However, it is also one of the most rewarding and satisfying things you can ever do, with much delayed gratification as well. I knew after Brian died that I had indeed made the right decision the day I decided to give it all up. Family is everything and memories made with them are priceless.
Brian:
For me through the years, I was not present for many of our kid’s school plays, sports games and even just dinners at home. And I was so thankful that Cindy could be there for all that I missed. My wife and I have juggled our careers and family responsibilities through the years but have always agreed that our children needed at least one parent to be present at all times. It hasn't been easy through all those years and I know not working had been hard on my wife as she spent so many years of schooling to become a Forensic Pathologist, MD/PhD. We have certainly on occasion had our fights about careers and she has reminded me a time or two that she is the one who gave up her career. And I never disagree with her because she is 100 percent correct. But in the end, a successful relationship is about communication and compromise, which we have had plenty of. But 32 years later, we are going as strong as ever.
Best wishes,
Brian and Cindy Hoeflinger
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